One of the biggest challenges we face in relationships
is when somebody gets activated, somebody’s emotions are escalated and it seems like we can’t reason with them.😤😤
Let me explain why. A relationship between two people is like a bridge.
It’s like a one lane bridge.
Information can only go one way at a time. ↔️ >
So if somebody needs to give you a message – they’re upset, they’re hurt, and they want you to know.
When they send that message over to you, they can’t hear anything you say.
You first need to clear that bridge.
You first need to get that information over.
They need to feel "message received".
And then the bridge is clear for you to speak to them and give them information and knowledge, to soothe them in order to move forward. ❤️🙂
So when they’re activated and they need to get a message across,
you first have to allow them to get that message across.
How do we help people do that?
And it’s actually a little bit counterintuitive. We actually do the opposite of what you would think we need to do.
Don’t block them. Don’t stop them from sending their message. 🚧
It’s actually going to make them more upset.
If a little child falls down and they scrape their knee, you may say, let’s tell them it’s nothing. Let’s make it away.
But it has the opposite effect. They get more frustrated and more angry because their message isn’t received.
The best thing to do is say, "Oh, oh wow." 😯
And then they get soothed.
The way we do it with an adult?
It’s basically three steps.
The first thing we need to do is mirror, repeat back what they said, even if its about you. 🪞
Repeat back exactly what they said so they feel understood.🔁
The second thing is give them permission to feel what they feel.
Validate them. 🎯
Tell them that if you were in their shoes and saw things from their angle, you would also feel the same way.
Finally, empathize with them, feel bad that they’re in distress.
Doing that allows their message to go over the bridge, and once they feel "message received", their emotions will de-escalate.
And now you have the opportunity to send over your message.
Whatever that is - to explain, to soothe them, to be able to add more information, for them to be able to move forward.
So remember, this little skill can make a massive difference to enable you to have quality relationships.
And the quality of your relationships correlates to the quality and the joy in your life. 💥